Wallflower

Patience is a skill and only some have it. Me, I guess I have it. But I'm about to reach my limit. So many things running on my mind as of now. Poker facing is not healthy anymore. Two years ago, I've undergone this depression state where in I really felt I was alone. Not existing. Like a bubble that popped. I think its gonna happen all over again. I should not punish myself from the start of a misdoing that is not my fault. Now I'm the one suffering. Cutting ties is not an option yet because I still value a lot of things. Reading books has become an outlet for me but that made me more anti-social. Am I? Should I stop? Very fragile right now and any advice I will hear, good or bad will just make me more confused. Maybe I just need some rest. Hoping for a good day tomorrow.

Had the whole morning to reflect and I don't feel any better. Still soaking in this cloak of sadness. Can't see even a small shimmer of light. I want the jolly me back but there's a large obstacle. A hurdle I must get over with. An impediment that's not easy to tackle. I always try my best to solve a problem only by myself but looks like I cannot do it alone. I'm not asking for help. Time is my friend. Space is my friend. *sigh

Pity is something that I don't want to claim. Yes it gives a little comfort but that will just make me belittle myself more. I was used to be the confident one. Everything is crumbling now. I am in a dark place. I cannot focus. Weak. Demotivated.

I cannot contain myself from not shedding a tear if someone ask me if I'm OK. I feel a great sense of relief also when I reply I'm not. Saying what you truly feel is much better than pretending. I am not afraid to show what my mind wants to speak. What it wants to scream. Tearing is not a sign of vulnerability but is a way to lessen the pain.

For a group to work, everyone must accept each other. But what if one cannot? Is being civil enough? Maybe. There's a boiling point. And I am the one who got burned. It healed before but the scars are showing up again. Big scars. The ointment for it is not invented yet.

We all have struggles and it is our choice if we're gonna resolve them or not. Of course we will face the consequences after our decisions. The most difficult thing to acknowledge is that when we have picked the wrong option. And we will not be able to turn back time to correct the broken puzzle. We can just mend but it is not sufficient. We can just grief but it will do no benefit. We can just smile but it will just be a mask.

This emotional breakdown is kind of annoying already and its getting the best of me. The little tiny best of me that is remaining. This will be my last rant as I'm gonna diverge my focus again on reading. Still, I don't know if this will get worse in the coming days. And I'm tired hoping for a good tomorrow. Thank you for taking the time to read my day long shenanigans. Thank you for thinking that I'm crazy weird. Thank you for understanding.